A LONG Summer....

It has really been a LONG summer and we are already into the fall.   So much has passed since I last posted in July.  During the summer I travelled to Jacksonville, FL and was provisionally accepted by BMFP (Baptist Missions to Forgotten Peoples).  This allows me to begin fund raising and part time deputation.  I travelled to Olar, South Carolina to meet with Pastor Hal Nichols and his family.  God had burdened Pastor Hal's heart to work with a group of Pastors from Liberia to build the Bomi Children's Rescue Village in Bomi, Liberia in Africa.  The end of August, after a summer in hospice, we lost my Dad.  What comfort and reassurance God has given us that he is "safe with Jesus now".  We laid him to rest in Nebraska the first of October.  So while I am not as far along as I had thought I might be, I can trust a sovereign God who knew all that was going to transpire and already has a plan for all of us!

A brief testimony of how God works, Pastor Hal had been in Liberia digging wells and conducting training when he became aware of this opportunity and said "YES" to building the orphanage.  On the flight home he was struck by the fact that he could BUILD the orphanage but had no one who could actually oversee and run the orphanage.  On my end, I am still praying about where and with whom God would have me serve.  My Pastor counsels after I have expressed frustration of closed doors to my offers to join other ministries in Africa that it would be good for me (and my "cavalier spirit") to find a "grass roots" ministry, something that I could be a part of from the ground up.  I am talking to Bro. Tim Clark from BMFP who mentions this Pastor from South Carolina that he knows who has been to Africa.  Bro. Hal arrives home and gets a call from Bro. Clark about this woman from Georgia who wants to work with orphans in Africa.  Did he know of any needs?  Bro. Hal said he sat in stunned silence on the other end of the phone for just a moment.  Bro. Hal and I then spoke and we have been working together ever since.  God has put together a tremendous team from Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina and Iowa, each with unique skills and abilities and we will be travelling together in April of 2013 for 17 days to help the locals build the Bomi Children's Rescue Village. 

A few weeks ago, I was also able to do my first presentation as a missionary to my home church, Grace Baptist Church, in Columbus, GA.  What a humbling experience it was to stand before these awesome people and to experience personally their generous giving!  They took up a love offering to help with the expenses of the trip, the most immediate being the purchase of our airline tickets.  In order to get the best fair, we wanted to book as early as possible.  We had to purchase the tickets on Thursday, October 25th.  With the love offering and other giving I still needed $360.00.  Pastor Hal asked if we were ready to purchase the tickets on Monday.  I said "yes" knowing that God would provide the remaining amount, and he did.  EXACTLY that amount.  I found out that I had received about $260 through BMFP and then someone walked up to me Wednesday night at church and handed me $100.  God is so good and works such great things through his willing people!

Another VERY exciting development is that 2 people, who are very dear to my heart, are joining the team.  Ben and Hilary Shuler from Grace Baptist Church are going to travel with us to Liberia in April.  We are conducting a fundraiser pancake breakfast in a couple of weeks at Grace.  Please pray for this and for faith that God will continue to prove himself and confirm this calling by graciously providing for all our needs!

God bless and please KEEP PRAYING!

Unto the Least of These....

It has been a number of weeks since I have posted.  There has been a lot happening and it seems hard to know where to start.  My Dad had to be hospitalized and in helping to take care of him, I missed the candidate training week in Jacksonville, FL.  This was, as you can imagine, very disappointing but I still have a "peace that passes understanding" and feel so sure of God's control of the situation I was not discouraged.  I know everything that is meant to be will be in His time!  I am going to visit Baptist Missions to Forgotten Peoples (BMFP) the end of this month to meet with their administrative board.  I must still attend their candidate training (next June '13) but this meeting, if I am approved, will allow me to begin my parternship with them and start raising funds and hopefully part-time deputation. 

God continues to work in my heart and prove his calling in my life.  Despite falling madly in love with my new granddaughter and despite my Dad's poor health, I know this is where God is leading and I continue to grow in my anticipation to go.  The most recent exciting development is making contact with Bro. Hal Nichols of True Faith Missions out of Fairfax, SC.  I have been earnestly praying for a contact or an indication of what ministry I might specifically serve with.  I believe, through this ministry, God may have opened a door!  They are planning a trip to Liberia in April of 2013 and I am prayerfully optomistic that I may accompany them on what will be my survey trip.  Bro. Nichols is actively raising funds to build a currently non-staffed Children's Rescue Village in an area with no running water, no electricity and very meager supplies.  Bro. Nichols travels extensively throughout Africa and has several active calls for help, including one from Uganda!  I am excited to see how God might lead!  I know from our communications that the heart of Bro. Nichols and his ministry is very much in line with how God has burdened me. 

I have several specific prayer requests:

1)  Housing - my move has been delayed; however, my lease is up August 31st.  Please pray for affordable housing for me and the right living situation for my parents who also have difficult choices to make right now.
2)  Finances - pray that the financial matters I need to settle will be resolved quickly and that I might have a fruitful beginning to my support-raising efforts!
3)  Missions Board - pray for a God's leading as I meet with the BMFP missions board.  That our visit might prove whether or not He would have us partner in missions.
4)  Survey Trip - pray for wisdom as I seek to partner with like-minded Christians and identify the ministry that God has in place for me. 

I continue to be encouraged by God's word and have been meditating on this thought:

James 1:27
Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this:  to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep onself unstained from the world. 

Matthew 25 reminds us that Jesus will separate the sheep from the goats in the final judgement.  The sheep on his right, the goats on his left.  Those that are his sheep, he welcomes into the kingdom.  His praise to them is that "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I ws a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me."  The righteous ask him, when did we do all these things for you? Jesus replies "Truly, I say to you, as you did it unto one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me."  To the goats, who prophesied in His name and did many wondrous works in His name, he will say, "Depart from me, I NEVER KNEW YOU."  My fear is that there are many "good" Christians who are in for a horrific discovery!

God help me to practice a religion that is pure and undefiled before your eyes!  That is why I have changed the title of my blog from "God grant me wings" to "Unto the least to these".   And this does not apply only to the children and women of Africa but to those who are within my daily reach and ministry right here as I wait on the Lord and the revelation of his plan to me!

Thanks for all your prayers and God Bless!

Oh Ye of Little Faith....

Wow, it has been far too long since I have updated my blog and I only hope I can capture everything here that I need to!  The Lord continues to work and bless and point me towards Africa!  I celebrated the birth of my first grandchild last week.  I had wondered, and many people had asked, how that would affect my decisions to go to Africa and I can joyfully report that it has not changed it one iota.  I love her and she is so precious, but God told me to go and I am going and I can not begin to describe in words the peace I have to the very core of my being!  I was chatting with a family member about the birth of Hailey on facebook and she asked if I was still leaving the country and I typed to her, "I know it will be hard, but GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING!"  That was all Holy Spirit because it even made me jump as I typed it!  He does know what he is doing and he does know this will be hard and he has an amazing plan for me and for Hailey and for everyone and HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING and I have no intention of questioning him now!

I have been invited by Baptist Mission to Forgotten Peoples to attend Candidate Training in June praise God!  I am so excited to meet the other missionaries and to begin formal training for this journey!  I have been so blessed and encouraged by countless friends and loved ones who are already offering their support, both financially and in prayer!  The week I found out that I had been invited to candidate training had started out rough.  I am starting to really learn what it means to live by faith.  I had and continue to have several needs and some of them more immediate than others.  I had shared this with my dear friend and Pastor's wife who has been an amazing encouragement and she told me to hang in there, that living by faith was new to me, to pray SPECIFICALLY and wait on the Lord, quit trying to figure things out (I can't tell you the joy that surges through me even as I type this).  Immediately after my conversation with her, I could clearly hear the Holy Spirit saying to me, a mustard seed.  That is all I expect.  It's all I ask.  Faith no bigger than a mustard seed.  I took my pen and drew a speck on a piece of paper (because a mustard seed is not much bigger than that) and said to myself, this is all it takes and God will move mountains!  How thankful I am that God's plan perfectly accounts for my limitations!  He didn't say faith as big as a kernel of corn, or an apple, or a watermelon, he said a mustard seed!  I took such great comfort in that!

Within hours of asking God to forgive me for my lack of faith, and after telling him, "Lord I believe  Help thou my unbelief," I received an inquiry about some furniture I was selling.  Did you know that selling your furniture can be a God-ordained transaction?  I didn't!  The individuals that came to look at my furniture were not only wonderful, Godly, spirit-filled Christians, when I told them about my journey they gave me MORE than the asking price of my furniture!  They prayed for me in a way that blessed my heart and soul.  Turns out, the gentleman was a Pastor of a church here in Columbus.  Wow!  On a side note, when I delivered the furniture today it turns out he knew my Dad from Wright's Cafe, knew my brother-in-law and his daughter is my sister's banker!!  WOW!  Our God is good, so great and so mighty there's nothing my God can not do!  I have a feeling this relationship will become a long standing source of strength and prayer!

I also want to share the absolute invigoration of cleaning out my house.  As I began to sell and/or give away my things, I started to become a little emotional about it.  It is so easy to get caught up in the sentimentality of things....THINGS.  But as I began sorting and packing I could so clearly hear the Holy Spirit remind me....Forsake all and follow me.  Forsake all....ALL.   The dear gentleman I mentioned above prayed with me again today and spoke to my dad about having a daughter that was going to a place of "danger".  His own daughters had been in this position in life and ministry.  He said, and I so agree, that there is no better way for a daughter to honor her father than to be wholly and fully and completely submitted to the will of GOD, to want to give, even to her own hurt.  What an amazing thought, privilege, honor.  To be counted among those I have admired and even envied for so long, those who were completely sold out and surrendered to God.  But what I have learned is that there is no glorification needed, there is no honor needed, there is no praise, no compliment.  It is God, and only God, and all for Him and by Him and I am the one who feels so humbled to even be ALLOWED to take these steps.  It is not a sacrifice.  It is joy and peace and love and an absolute THRILL!

So I am emptying myself of things and taking up my cross and following Jesus and wherever God would lead for me to live in this country and in Uganda, and I can not wait, I can not wait....GOD GRANT ME WINGS!

Progress!

Wow! I can't sleep tonight as I think about God's goodness and his perfect timing! I am so overwhelmed. First thing this morning, I received a short e-mail from a missionary in Uganda, Tony Applegate. He runs the Grace Project in Masaska, Uganda. I actually went to church with he and his wife in Kansas City. I had e-mailed them at the suggestion of another Ugandan missionary but hadn't heard anything in a couple of weeks. I am praying God opens the doors he wants me to walk through so while I was not too anxious, I was wondering why I had not heard back. According to their message, they have moved to village with spotty Internet but will be getting back to me at the beginning of next week.

Then, at work today, I received a text message from a man who has a very affordable duplex for rent in the Lakebottom area whom I would like to rent from. However, he wasn't sure if he wanted to wait until I was ready to move May 1. He told me Saturday he would think about it over the weekend. Again, I just prayed that the Lord would put me where it was best and he texted me today indicating that he would hold the duplex! This move will save me $500 a month in rent and utilities that can be put towards paying off bills and saving for a survey trip and deputation!

Then (yes this is all TODAY) I came home after work to find my official application packet from Baptist Missions to Forgotten Peoples! They have accepted me into the application process based on my initial questionnaire and testimony! Praise God! The application process involves sending a number of references from my Pastor, friends and coworkers. Pray that all goes smoothly and God will continue to move me towards the Mission Board he would have me work with.

I am so overwhelmed by God's working and his guiding hand. I studied today about brokenness before God. I never want to find myself in a place again where I am submitting to Satan and his plan! I am so thankful for this journey that God has me on and for his very real and tangible presence in my life. Please continue to pray for his leading and my patience! God, grant me wings to I can fly to Africa!

Bless the Lord - Application Sent Today!

Wow! I had an amazing day today! I was up late last night and afraid that would put a damper on the entire day because if I don't go to bed on time, I can't get up early enough to get my Bible study in which usually means a "not so good day" but on the contrary it was amazing. I got in a study today over lunch and I read from the book of Daniel. I was struck by Pastor Horton's message on Faithfulness the other night and I decided to read from Daniel and came across his praise after God had revealed the King's dream to him.

Daniel 2:19 Then was the secret revealed unto Daniel in a night vision. Then Daniel blessed the God of heaven. 20Daniel answered and said, Blessed be the name of God for ever and ever: for wisdom and might are his: 21And he changeth the times and the seasons: he removeth kings, and setteth up kings: he giveth wisdom unto the wise, and knowledge to them that know understanding: 22He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him. 23I thank thee, and praise thee, O thou God of my fathers, who hast given me wisdom and might, and hast made known unto me now what we desired of thee: for thou hast now made known unto us the king's matter.

I was convicted as to whether I ever BLESS THE LORD? I have plenty of reasons lately to bless him. I want to be faithful to him because he is proving himself so faithful to me. He is already making himself known to me through the gifts of new clothes, an unexpected monetary gift and even the arrival of a rebate card I had completely forgotten about showing up at JUST the right moment. Bless the Lord for his provision!

I completed and mailed out my initial application to a Missions Board today! I was thrilled and yet still scared to death. But in those moments I just pray to God to help my unbelief and lack of faith and to help me to step out of the boat and onto the waves! Each time I take a step of obedience despite my fears and doubts I feel God's precense like I never have before. In those moments I say to myself and sometimes outloud so Satan can hear...I am GOING, I am GOING, I am GOING! Bless the Lord for his strength!

I have found what looks like a good option for a rental at a very reasonable rate. I sent in an application for that and then had my first contact from someone that is interested in renting my current house! Bless the Lord for his perfect timing!

Then tonight I went for my walk, ran into some people that I hadn't seen for a couple of years who I invited back to church (I pray they will come) and during my walk I was actually able to "jog" (I use that term somewhat loosely) on a couple of legs of my 3 laps around idle hour! An important part of my journey to Africa is to continue to drop my weight and get into shape. Bless the Lord for his help!

Please keep praying about all these details; just for God's timing and guidance. There is not one thing I can find to worry about since I know my Heavenly Father is holding it all in his hands.

Surrender to Africa....It's About Time!!!!

On May 3, 1995, I surrendered to full time Christian service or to whatever the Lord would have me to do. I remember the date because I wrote it in my Bible next to the verse that Pastor Wass (our Music Pastor and my Spiritual mentor at the time) gave me. The verse was "I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye." Psalme 32:8. Interesting that verses right before that say "I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin....Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah." Psalm 32: 5, 7 It has been through a time of confession for living a life of disobedience that has brought me to this point in my life!

Seventeen years later I finally did it! I surrendered ALL! I was sharing my frustration with myself over how long it has taken in a conversation with a cousin, friend and sister in Christ today and she reminded me that it took God 40 years to prepare Moses so I don't feel so bad!

My family has always been involved with Missions-minded churches and I have seen many presentations through the years. I can remember watching various presentations but it was always the presentations to Africa that would get my heart pumping. I would look at the beautiful land and the beautiful people and just think how AMAZING it would be to be a missionary to Africa. "Kyle or Danielle just HAVE to be a missionary to Africa," I would think. "That would be so amazing!" All along it was me that God was summoning, and it just took me 17 years to figure out.

Have you ever had that moment when you look back at your life and God's hand and his leading in your life become so clear? Those of you who know me know that I have been in a different job every 2 years, a different home every 2 years (not including the last 7 years God had me trapped at TSYS) always searching for the contentment and fulfillment I lacked! I remember wondering why I was 46 years old, and still didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up? I can see now, it was an unrest brought on by not being where God wanted for me to be! Don't get me wrong, everything is in his time, but when I look back at what I thought were blunders or missed opportunities career-wise, i can see that it was God ensuring that I didn't become too comfortable in any of those positions! He had something more important for me to do.

I think about how many times I would pack the kids up in the van on a minutes notice and take off cross country in the middle of the night. People would be aghast that a woman would travel alone like that with 2 small children in tow and no means of protection. I even remember taking a wrong turn and getting lost in inner-city St. Louis one time! But I never felt afraid. I LOVED being on the road, taking those road trips. And I have made those trips several times by myself since the children have been grown with no fear or trepidation. What more perfect personality type for deputation and the mission field!

I think about how I have enjoyed the houses I have lived in and that I have collected some "things" that mean something to me, but for the most part, I am relatively unsentimental about things. I have no problem doing a "clean out". Throwing things out, taking them to the Goodwill or selling them in a garage sale. I am not materialisticly driven! Again, a great attitude for someone who will be flying half-way across the world!

All those times wondering if I was crazy and I wasn't after all! It was all part of my time in the wilderness, my time of preparation for what God wanted me to be. Moses held a staff in his hand. It was an indication of his position in life and what he had become. God asked him to lay it down. He was saying, "What you have become, I want you to lay it down and I will use it to set people free". Moses laid it down, but then God turned it into a serpent, which was a fearful thing. Moses fled from it! But God said, "Pick it up by the tail!" Not by the head, where it would be safe, but by the tail, where Moses could get bit. Sometimes what God asks us to do is a fearful thing. I have a great deal of fear and trepidation about laying down my life, such as it is, and allowing God to use it to set people free. I am willing to present my body a living sacrifice, but with sacrifice there is death. A death of some of the hopes and dreams you had or the expectations for how you would be spending the end of your life. But the beauty of the sacrifice is in that death and in the pain! That is what makes it so valuable, like the death of Christ on the Cross!

So I have laid down my staff and now I am picking that serpent up by the tail and packing up and selling off my life to take myself to the jungles of Africa to see how God will use me there! I can't take credit for the story above. It was given to me by my cousin, friend and sister-in-Christ. Each time I find myself wondering if I am "crazy", God puts someone in my path to speak just the right words of encouragement to me.

Please pray as I begin preparations, apply with a mission board and down-size my life! My goal is to be on the field in the Fall of 2013. I pray God grants me wings so I can fly to Africa!

Welcome Back to Blogspot

Wow, it appears as if my last post was about 5 years ago! I got out of the blogging and into the facebooking along with most everyone else. I have decided to reinstate my blog and to start capturing everything God has been doing in my heart and life over the last 20 years that has lead me to surrender to full-time ministry in Africa. I don't plan on sharing detailed information on Facebook at this point of my journey, but thought I could post information here and share with just a few individuals SO please don't pin me, share me or like me! If you have comments leave them here on blogspot! God bless and it is good to be back!

The Mind of Christ....

Today in my devotions I read the following:

Colossians 3:8-17
8But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. 9Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds;
10And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him: 11Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all. 12Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; 13Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. 14And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. 15And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. 17And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.

Over the last couple of days, I have allowed myself to get into a rather negative frame of mind. I mistakenly allowed myself to listen to some negative talk from some disgruntled parents who were complaining about some circumstances at the school. Then something happened that got Danielle somewhat upset and she was sharing her discouraging day. The next thing I knew, I was downright irritated....and frustrated...and very worked up. Lately I have found my fuse rather short. I have found myself in a state of irritation far too often. I in turn shared my frustration with a good friend who challenged me to think of what I was irritated about in light of what God would want me to be thinking about. She helped me to put a perspective on what I was thinking and feeling, and I was royally rebuked. I thought about it late into the night, asking God to forgive me for my weakness in this area.

Then, the very next morning, I found the passage above in my daily devotion. I thought a lot about what we are to put off and what we are to put on. Notice, God says to put off "all" of these. I got to thinking about those things and looked up some of the definitions in the dictionary. It was rather interesting.

Anger - Strong feeling of displeasure and usually antagonism

Wrath - Strong vengeful anger or indignation; retributory punishment for offense

Malice - Desire to cause pain, injury (emotional or physical) or distress to another(spite, grudge)Blasphemy - Act of claiming attributes of deity, irreverence towards something sacred

Filthy - Loathsome, moral corruption or defilement, something that corrupts or defiles

And now, how about some of the things we are to put on:

Meekness - Enduring injury with patience and without resentment AKA mild.

Forebear - To do without, to hold oneself back from especially with an effort; to leave alone; to control oneself when provoked.

Longsuffering - Patiently enduring lasting offense or hardship

Humbleness - Not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive; reflecting, expressing or offered in a spirit of deference or submission

I have some putting off and putting on to do.

Repentance....

OK...everyone (including me) starts their blog with...I haven't blogged forever. So, there I have said it.

I have been thinking about Repentance today. Something came up at work today...I can't even remember what it was...just that it was unrelated to the following. When looking for that "other" verse (oh yeah....I just remembered....I was looking for the "whatsoever things are true...think on these things" verse) I came across this passage:

2 Corinthians 7:9 - 11
Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry; but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a Godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing. For Godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death. For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things, ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this manner.

Wow...am I truly repentant? I have no doubt about my salvation. I understood that there is a difference between "Godly sorrow" and "worldly sorrow". I understand that Godly sorrow involves repentance which is agreeing with God about your sinfulness and agreeing to turn from that sin. Worldly sorrow is more of a grief. Perhaps from hurting someone you love or even just from getting caught, but there is no heart change regarding your actions. You don't take the extra step of seeing what you did through God's eyes and turning from those actions. I understand this and I applied it to my life at the point of my salvation and I have stood on that as I "worked out" my salvation over the years.

But it just struck me, as I consider the strongholds I have in my life, those areas of weakness that seem to be ever present in my life, I'm not sure I have ever been truly repentant of my actions in those areas. I think I have readily admitted they were weaknesses that I have. I have responded out of conviction during sermons that I have heard but....they continue to be strongholds. As I read that passage, I think I have come to realize that in regards to these areas, I have had more of a worldly sorrow towards them. I regret the problems they have caused in my life. I regret the way my actions in these areas have negatively impacted those that I love or my ability to be all I could be for the Lord. But I am not sure I have ever called them out as the dirty, rotten sins that they are. I am not sure that I have felt true repentance or Godly sorrow for them. Perhaps that is why they continue to trail me through this life...that last bit of battered, broken baggage that I have fettered to myself, that I insist on dragging along behind me.

I think I need to quit waiting to "feel" repentant and to start acknowledging these "weaknesses" for what they are (SIN). I think I need to start looking at them through Gods eyes and find the Godly sorrow I should have so I can turn from these things....put them behind me.

P.S. I believe this is one of the primary reasons for a lot of "false" conversions. I think you can bring someone to a worldly sorrow...or even a fear of hell...and get them to pray a sinners prayer. But unless they understand and experience true Godly sorrow, or repentance, there will not be a true heart change and their hope will be in an empty prayer. I think this would be a great verse to share as part of the plan of salvation.

I'm Back...

Wow...it has been forever since I have blogged. I have had a couple of strange and discouraging weeks. It started with me getting sick the beginning of Revival week at our church. I always look forward to that as a time of refreshment and renewal, but I only made 2 of the services. It was that same week that Danielle first got sick. That went on for almost 2 weeks before she was finally hospitalized and properly diagnosed and treated. I have found myself so tired and overwhelmed by the entire situation. I am a "problem solver" and when we could not (even with the help of a doctor and/or medical tests) figure out what was wrong with Danielle over that time I found myself very frustrated and upset. I also like to be in control, as much as possible, and that was impossible as we kept finding ourselves at the mercy of the hospital and doctors schedules. I have also been having a stressful time at work. All of this compounded into me becoming fairly discouraged.

It was strange that at this time the LAST thing I found myself doing was praying or turning to the Lord. It was a classic example of not taking the time to do what would have been the most important thing that I should have been doing. During that time I wasn't focusing on the fact that the Master Physician, the Master Problem Solver was in control of the entire situation, even when I couldn't be. I thank God for reminders of his care and grace in the prayers, well wishes and help of family, true friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. What an encouragement. I think I will be better about visiting people in the hospital and calling when I know someone is going through a difficult time, especially the illness of a child/loved one.

Today in my devotion I read Psalm 119:105-107 "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. I have sworn, and I will perform it, that I will keep thy righteous judgments. I am afflicted very much; quicken me, O Lord, according unto thy word". I am thankful that He was lighting my way. I am rebuked that I wasn't paying closer attention.

Forgive me, Lord.

Happy Birthday to Me....

I just occurred to me, it is my "Spiritual" birthday! I was saved 14 years ago, today!

Lola...

On another completely random and unrelated note....my sister and brother-in-law have a Cockatoo named Lola that they purchased to put in Rene's vet clinic. She is a hoot!

Through the Eyes of a Toddler....

I had a very special blessing today. I spent the majority of the day babysitting my nephew, Sean. I think I had forgotten how tiring that can be....but I had also forgotten what a blessing that can be. Sean is 19 months old. He is just learning to run, to throw, to kick....and he is ALL boy! He loves to be outside so we spent a fair amount of time outside. We filled his little pool with water and I showed him how he could fill his little watering can by dipping it the pool. He was having fun watering "Titi's" toes (that's what he calls me...Spanish for "Auntie"). By the time we were done, I was wet up to my knees and he was soaked all over! We blew bubbles. He is also at that adorable stage where he can parrot pretty much any word you say to him. He was saying "Bye, bye, Bubbles" and waving at them as they floated over the house. We picked up pebbles and put them in a bucket, then walked down to the dock to throw them in. The look on his face as each one of them made a "plop" and a splash as they went into the water was priceless. It was such a treat to watch him react to the sound of the wind blowing through the trees, at the sound of airplanes flying over, at a white herron that was standing in the water. Then we went in for a "nap". I needed it as much as he did! I cuddled with him on my sister's bed. I think I went to sleep...he only dozed. But as he woke up, he pressed his forehead against mine and giggled. He is doing his little baby jibber where he rattles off little incoherent phrases to you in a very serious manner. We laid on the bed for a long time just playing with his toes (this little piggy) and reading books, which he loves. He points and gasps in surprise as you turn each page and lift each little flap, even though you've read the book a dozen times. It is especially cute when he growls if he sees a lion or an alligator. There was a crab and a bee in his book. I would point to them and pull my hand back and say "ouch". He loved that game. Meal time was fun too. He had some peas which I had warmed up and with each bite he would pull a funny face and say "hot, hot" even when they were long past even being warm.

I guess this is just a lot of silly nothing to most of those who ever read this blog. But it was just such a sweet, slow day. It was a blessing to spend the day outside, to sit on the floor and build towers out of duplo blocks so we could tip them over and say "uh oh". A blessing to throw pebbles off of the dock and watch the rings ripple over the water. A blessing to watch the wonder on his face when we found a catepillar and I let it crawl up his arm or the lizard that we found (which I wouldn't pick up). A blessing to watch him react to wind and especially to lay and listen to his breathing as he napped, having his little body nestled against me, lying in my arms.

It was just a flood of memories to when my own children were that size. I guess, back then, my house was never as clean as it could have been. There were often dishes in the sink and laundry piled on the floor and dust on the furniture. But I spent many hours like that with my children....just enjoying them and their company. I still enjoy it to this day. How the years have flown. It seems like just yesterday that my little guy was that size. Sean reminds me alot of Kyle and it was easy to imagine it was him.

Children are such a precious, sweet gift of God! It was wonderful to spend the majority of my day, experiencing God's creation and the world he has given us through the eyes of a toddler!

Forgiveness.......

I've been thinking about forgiveness today...and God's unending supply of it. I fail him again, and again, and again. And often in areas that I have asked forgiveness for again, and again, and again. And often in areas that I turn over again, and again, and again....and pick back up again, and again, and again. In the past, I used to get tremendously frustrated with myself. I do still get frustrated, but I have come to see these areas as specific ways that God has used to keep me humble.

Asking forgiveness requires a great deal of humility....and accepting forgiveness takes a great deal of humility. I am a very "self-sufficient" person. I want to do things myself and I don't like acknowledging things/areas that I can not accomplish on my own. But, without these constant reminders of my weaknesses, I may forget how much I need God, and his forgiveness, and his protection, and his provision.

The Lord forgives us so much. We, in turn, must forgive as much. Too often (especially lately at work), I find myself in a state of "irritation". People and situations get under my skin...I choose to take things personally and get my feelings (or my pride) hurt. I believe, that if I were constantly mindful of how much the Lord has forgiven me, and that if I were making it a priority to emulate that forgiveness, I wouldn't find myself so "irritated"....I wouldn't be yelling at traffic, I wouldn't be whining and complaining about work. I would be a better Christian, a better Mother, a better co-worker, a better friend if I were practicing an attitude of forgiveness.

"An apology is a friendship preserver, an antidote for hatrad, never a sign of weakness; it costs nothing but one's pride, always saves more than it costs, and is a device needed in every home." - Author Unknown.

Lord, don't let me be unforgiving....don't let me hold on to bitterness....

I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more. Jeremiah 31:34b

Life and Death...

Death is just a part of life. How many times have you heard someone say that? I have been living a life and death drama for the last couple of days and doing a lot of contemplating about both. Not just physical life and physical death, but spiritual life and spiritual death.

Sunday, my Dad nearly lost his physical life to a heart attack. But the greater tragedy would have been the loss of his eternal soul in spiritual death. After being given a very bad prognosis on Monday concerning blockages in his already very old heart grafts from a 14 year old by-pass, my Dad was told he had 3 options to save his physical life, none of which were good. What I had the blessing to share with him on Tuesday morning was that he had 1 option to save his spiritual life, and that it was greater than anything that could be imagined.

I had gone through the plan of salvation with my Dad 7 years ago. He had prayed to received Christ then, but there was very little fruit over the years. He would say he was saved, but always seemed scared when facing death (he has had some very serious health problems and surgeries over the last 7 years). It was always troubling to me that I could not be 100% sure that my Dad was saved! I would talk to him about it often, but I still had a sense he was just saying what he knew I wanted to hear. I wasn't sure that what he had in his head and fully transferred into his heart. That is a scary thing, when someone you love so dearly, who is in such precarious health, is possibly heading for an eternity in hell.

Knowing how many times I had spoken to my Dad, and being fearful that I was just not getting through to him, I asked that a Pastor friend of our church from Bay Minette come to visit Dad. I thought, maybe if a Pastor would talk to him, he would really get it. I had told my Dad he was coming and I said I thought it just might be a blessing to Dad to talk to him. Dad asked why we needed a Pastor to talk to him, he wanted ME to talk to him. I asked him if he wanted me to go through the plan of salvation with him...just to be sure. That if he had even the smallest doubt, this was no time to be messing around. He said, yes, he wanted me to. I tried to get it in Monday night, but people were coming and going and by 7:30 he had fallen asleep with just short periods awake, so I knew it would have to wait until the next morning, which made me nervous because of his heart.

But he was waiting for me the next morning. He had been told that they were proceeding with what they thought was the least risky of his 3 options, that was to stint the blocked arteries. His chances for complications was high and if complications arose, he would be very sick very fast is what we were told. We were waiting for the call for him to be moved to the other hospital for the procedure. My Mom, my sister and I were in the room with him. I told him I wanted to go over the scripture with him. He asked when did I want to do it. I told him I was ready whenever he was and he said OK let's do it. I was able to share the gospel with my Dad. I took him through the Roman's road. I hardly even remember what I said. I know he asked me some good questions and was concentrating very hard on what I was saying. I asked him if he wanted to pray to received Christ and he said he did. He was crying so hard for a few moments that he couldn't speak, but then he followed me in the sinner's prayer. What a moment for my family. My Mom and sister were weeping. We all hugged and cried. I reminded Dad that his greatest fear, not getting to see any of us again was now an empty fear, and that we would be together for eternity and that, if anything were to happen, we wouldn't be far behind him.

It opened up the door for us to talk about Spiritual things and about heaven. I reminded Dad that in heaven he would be whole again. My Dad was crippled in a horrible accident when he was only 30 years old. He said his greatest regret was no longer being able to run. He would describe how he liked nothing better than to stretch out and run as hard as he possibly could. That when he was in the Air Force, rather than ride back to the barracks a couple of miles away, he would run. I reminded him that he would be able to run across the fields of heaven.

Well, the stints were put in and my Dad came through beautifully, thanks to the mercy and grace of God. He woke up, looked around at us, and just kept saying, "Oh, thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord." My sister stayed the night with him and she said he repeated it all night long. And I was, too.

I think Pastor Amsbaugh said your Dad gave you physical life and you gave him spiritual life. What a tremendous gift and blessing! My Dad had 2 radical heart procedures in 1 day! He had 2 stints miraculously placed into his weak physical heart...but more importantly, he has a new spiritual heart...transplanted by the Master Physician!

God Sings...

"The Lord thy God in the midst of thee IS mighty; He will save, He will rejoice over thee with joy; He will rest in his love, He will joy over thee with singing" Zephaniah 3:20

This is a truth I was aware of, but hadn't thought about in some time....God sings. What do you suppose it will be like to hear God sing? I'm sure nothing within our limited understanding could possibly imagine it.

We are created in the image of God, and we are musical creatures because God is musical. Have you ever noticed how even the smallest toddler will start bouncing if any tune with some sort of beat starts playing! It is something in our nature. Music is so powerful! It can conjure the deepest emotions...those that are edifying and those that are destructive. It can affect your thinking, your moods, your attitudes. One has to be careful where music is concerned.

Personally, I believe "Christian Rock" or "Christian Rap" is an oxymoron. I don't think those can coincide. Any music that glorifies the rhythm, the beat, the instrumentation or the artist for that matter, over the message it is sending doesn't qualify as Christian anything. I have often heard it argued that if we can draw people in and win people to Christ by using this worldly music, it is worth it. I don't think this is so. It's not to say that no one ever got saved at a "Christian" Rock concert, but the Bible doesn't condone doing what is "wrong" to get something that is "right".

I enjoy Southern Gospel and some contemporary Christian music; however, I enjoy them outside of a church service. My preference is for the more traditional hymns in church (note I said preference...so don't get too bent out of shape). I do know that the Bible says that we are to be "Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord." The primary focus of our music, whether it is music we sing or the music we fill our minds with should be glorifying to God...and it should be melodic.

Danielle and I listened to some beautiful Southern Gospel music at a concert last night. I went feeling a little down and tired (we even thought about NOT going), but just the opposite was true by the time we were out of there. It was such a blessing. Many of the songs were about going home to heaven to be with our Lord, others about Christ's sacrifice for our sins. I was just thinking of the power of that music when I came across this verse on my calendar today.

Just take some time and think about the music you listen to. Music is NOT amoral. It does impact you and your relationship with Christ. We should make sure that, like in all areas of life, we are maintaining a healthy balance as far as our music goes and that what we put into our mind is edifying and glorifying to God.

Into the Throne Room of God...

The most incredible, amazing thing happened to me tonight. I entered into the Throne Room of God. I don't quite recall anything like it ever happening to me before in my Christian walk.

God has been speaking to me so much about prayer lately. I have been challenged by it in my Sunday School class, in the preaching I am hearing at Church, in my devotions and even by my daughter who came home from camp and shared about a wonderful sermon she heard on prayer. The preacher had really challenged the campers to think about what they are doing and where they are going when they pray. He really challenged them to prepare their hearts and minds to stand before God in his Throne Room, for that is what we do when we go to him in prayer.

Tonight I was studying my lesson for my Sunday School class. We are starting a study in the book of Revelations. The material is very deep and there are many scripture references. I had spent several hours in God's word today, going back and forth between references. I was looking at verse 6 of Revelations 1. The previous verses had spoken very strongly about who Christ was and what he had come to do. Our role as priests on this Earth now...our role as Kings in the kingdom to come. At the very end of the commentary dealing with this verse, there was a brief comment about the benediction that John offered, one that he was taught in Matthew 6:13.

I knew that this was the Lord's prayer. I maybe even hesitated a little to look up the reference. After all, I know that by heart. Growing up as a Lutheran, I repeated that prayer, in a rote fashion, over and over and over again. To be honest, I haven't thought about it that much over the years since becoming a Christian. I came to understand that it was a template for prayer, not a thing to be memorized and thoughtlessly recited every Sunday or in a scary situation.

I decided to go ahead and go the reference. I started reading the familiar passage when all of a sudden, the truth of what I was reading washed over me like a flood. It was as if for the first time, I was truly praying that prayer to God and fully appreciating everything it says about who He is, about His power, His preeminence. I realized I was there, I was in his precense. I had to cover my eyes as I was so overwhelmed to the point of fear. I was too overcome to even say anything for a few minutes. I don't know how long I sat there. I was weeping, but then, it occurred to me to lift up some prayers to God while I was there. To ask Christ to intercede on my behalf and on the behalf of those I was praying for. Then, I sat in silence and just basked in it for some time. I am still feeling the effects of it. I can't even begin to explain what I am feeling.

Now this probably sounds pretty sensational, but most of you who know me know that I don't buy into the "emotionalism" that is such a part of many denominations these days. I am not glorifying myself or the emotional experience. I am glorifying God Almighty and thanking Him for the privilege of living what he has taught us and experiencing his very tangible presense.

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For THINE is the kingdom,
And the power,
And the glory,
Forever and ever.
Amen and Amen

Misunderstood

Do you ever feel misunderstood? I feel misunderstood at work. I had my semi-annual review today and it was frustrating, to say the least. It wasn't overly negative or anything. I have been dealing with "perceptions" in my office. Let me try to explain. The woman I report to does not work with me closely on any projects on a day to day basis. Our "team", to use the word lightly, at work is pretty negative and gossipy. Apparently several of them have been complaining to my boss about things I have done or not done. Of course, no one talks about all the positive things you have done or any contributions you are making. They go in to whine and complain about the negative things. So even if they are few and far between, the "perception" becomes that you are doing something wrong.

So today, for 2 hours, I had to listen to a fairly negative review of the things I was doing wrong. There were very few mentions of anything that I am doing right. Of course, I asked for specific examples, and they either can't be provided or they are vague and absolutely incorrect. It is obvious to see that the information was delivered in a gossipy complaining manner and that facts were either excluded or grossly exaggerated. It was interesting that I was told I don't communicate. I did ask if the expectation was that the communication would be reciprocated as not one of the people whom I "offended" had approached me and discussed anything with me.

After the 2 hour negative-fest, my boss said she hoped I wasn't discouraged. I said I didn't feel discouraged, I felt misunderstood. There are many situations that are "Catch 22"....you fail if you do and you fail if you don't. I have worked here for a year and a half, and I just don't feel like I am getting anywhere. As long as my boss is willing to listen to others negative opinions and complaints with no expectation for those who are doing the complaining to speak to me directly at the time it happens, I don't know how I can correct it.

I spent some time talking to the Lord about it. What I did come to realize is that I have to own up to every part of those negative comments that belong to me. There was some truth in a lot of them. I have been discouraged at my job. It has become something I endure until 5:00 pm every day, and I am sure that is evident in the work I produce. Pastor Carnes challenged us tonight to not allow our children to be quitters and to not set the bad example of being a quitter. Yes, I am misunderstood. My intentions are misunderstood. My motives are misunderstood. I can feel sorry for myself or I can own the truth in it that belongs to me and move forward, seeking to please Christ, and not man, even in my job as an auditor. I will strive to respect my authority at work and submit to what they want from me. I will play the "game" within the confines of Christianity. I can set a good example to those that are gossiping and back-stabbing, not only by not participating, but by not condoning it through silence.

I want to be a testimony to those I work with. Perceptions, as irritating as they are, do matter.

A Senior Moment...

OK...I was sitting around earlier thinking, "I wish I had something interesting to blog". I do want to set a good example by attempting to blog at somewhat regular and timely intervals! Something just happened. I had a senior moment and although I will be humiliating myself, I will blog it anyway (everyone is starting to figure me out anyway)!

I just went to the kitchen to fix a cup 'o tea. Danielle boiled the water for me and I got a cup out of the cupboard. Then I walked to the freezer, opened the door and proceeded to fill my tea cup with ice cubes. What the...?? Oh yeah...I'm losing it.

At least I was able to provide some cheap family entertainment.

By the way, thanks for the prayers...I am feeling MUCH better.

The Rescue Mission...

Tonight, Danielle and I had the blessing of singing at the Rescue Mission. I have to admit that I haven't been feeling too good lately. Nothing too serious...just very tired, a little achy. It's just been going on for a while and it is wearing on me. It must be visible, because I have just noticed lately that people keep asking me if everything is OK, if I feel OK...etc. Even tonight, when we arrived at the Mission, someone asked me if everything is OK. I just say, yes, fine.

As we were waiting for the service to start, I asked Danielle if how I was feeling was really showing on me, and she said definitely. I was talking to the Lord about it, asking him to give me strength and to allow my countenance to show Him to these men. I didn't want to stand before them looking all droopy.

Pastor Powell started the service with the congregational hymn...Victory in Jesus. By the end of the first verse, I felt like sobbing! Talk about a lifting of my spirit and an unexpected answer to prayer! Those men, many of them homeless, jobless, addicts, were singing...very joyfully...at the TOP of their lungs. Between the verse and the chorus they would shout...VICTORY!

What a rebuke! I couldn't believe I was allowing the small discomfort I have been experiencing to effect me to the point that my countenance was affected so visibly, that I was probably even feeling a little sorry for myself..and these men, under such trial, could show the love of Christ in their lives through their singing.

There was a wonderful testimony by a man in our church and Pastor Powell brought a wonderful message. Seven men prayed the sinners prayer and many other decisions were made. As we live about 3 blocks from there, I'm not sure why we are not there more often. This was only our second time to go, but I think I am going to make it a more regular affair! Nathan Farnsworth is preaching next month!

Thank you, Lord. For giving me some perspective.